March 14th, 2018 23w6d The last picture of me pregnant |
Wednesday night, the 14th, I used my progesterone suppository (I know TMI sorry) and I remember thinking I had resistance towards my cervix which I now know was my water bag bulging.
***RANT***
Knowing things after the fact is what fucks me up so badly now. That's when this miserable regret sets in and I spends minutes turned to days stuck in bed sobbing because I've overly frustrated and exhausted myself trying to come up with ways to go back in time to redo every. single. thing. I did. I wish I hadn't taken that trip to Orlando. I wish I hadn't spent that entire day on my feet at clinicals. I wish I had known earlier and could've gotten a cerclage. I wish I could've gotten the steroids sooner. I wish I could've been on hospital bedrest. I wish I wish I wish. Incompetent cervix is exactly what it is - incompetency - and I hated myself for it. Why couldn't my body just hold my baby? Ronen became so medically complex after his birth when he was a healthy baby in my womb. My body did this to him and it makes me so angry. I feel like I failed him so I feel guilty a lot of the time. I know it's not my fault but I still feel that way and it's going to take time.
***RANT OVER***
I was on FaceTime with Ronnie (he worked in Orlando during my pregnancy, was planning to move back a month before I was due in June) and my stomach got really hard and shifted mostly to one side. It was painful. I remember Ronnie saying, "Do you think you should go to the hospital?" but I said no because those happened all the time and my doctor said as long as the aren't 10 minutes apart not to worry. Ronen was very active that night as he usually was and Ronnie and I watched him for a while before hanging up and going to bed. Watching Ronen beneath my skin was our favorite past-time. We were both in awe at the precious life we had made together.
I was at the point in my pregnancy where sleeping was becoming uncomfortable because I was used to sleeping on my back which had started to make me short of breath at that point. Second best was my stomach but that started to make me feel like I was lying face down on a basketball leaving me stuck switching from side to side most of the night. That night I felt more uncomfortable than usual with the occasional irregular contraction. I stayed in bed all day except to use the bathroom because those were the rules of my bed rest. I got up the morning of the 15th (TMI ahead) and had red discharge on my pad but my progesterone suppository was also red (btw, who designed those? They're an idiot!). I also remember sitting on the toilet and feeling the shell of the suppository fall out. The shell often left red discharge hence me using a pad every night. Anyways, that morning was different with the consistency and amount but I really didn't think anything of it. I now know that I must have lost my mucous plug. *sigh* Another after the fact now you know, Shay. The day was pretty uneventful until after my mom left that night.
My last ultrasound picture of Ronen at 23 weeks |
My mom got to my apartment at around 4 p.m. on March 15th and stayed maybe until around 6 p.m. cooking dinner for me and doing some light cleaning. My mom is awesome. She hadn't slept in around 30+ hours due to working three jobs at the time and still finding time to come check on me. I had started to feel more and more crampy after she left around 7 p.m. and remember getting up to take a quick shower. I had to literally grab the side of my bed for support because of how much pain hit me. Then I was scared because I knew something was wrong and I had to get to the hospital. I immediately grabbed my keys and headed for the car. I called Ronnie to let him know that I was going to the hospital and probably going to spend the rest of the pregnancy there. I told him I would let him know what's going on and expected to see him the next morning because that's when he was planning to come down anyways. Unfortunately, I had to call him back within the hour and tell him to head down the same night. When I called he was still at work just going back to his work office from a late patient drop off and the traffic there is awful. By then it was around 8 p.m. and I was trying to get around people on Cape Coral Parkway in what is undoubtedly labor with contractions every 5 minutes from the time I felt the first one near my bed. I remember trying to frantically call my mom but she had fallen into a really deep sleep. By the time I had gotten to the hospital I was bleeding and frantic. I had to fucking register which felt like it took years especially because I was starting to hurt so bad.
The triage nurse was trying to calm me down and tell me I could be bleeding for a multitude of reasons as I tried to throw my medical history at her. After she checked me, her tone changed and after she saw the monitor during my contraction, her entire posture straightened. She told me she would be right back, and went outside my door. I overheard her tell the doctor or NP or whoever came in next that I was bulging and from there I was choking on tears. I still couldn't reach my mom so I called my stepdad who was on his was home and able to wake her up (melatonin really works guys!).
In between the time it took for my mom to get there I was transferred to L&D which at the time confused me because I didn't think I was delivering him that night. I thought I would be on bed rest there and they'd give me drugs to stop my labor. I was so confused. I didn't know it couldn't be stopped. I texted my really good friend and supervisor to come wait with me because she has a calming way about her and she knew everything that was going on with my pregnancy. Thankfully, she was already at the hospital because we work there, the same place I delivered and the same place Ronen became a patient. Kristin (my friend) was the one that broke the news to me about my cervical progression. My doctor told me that I might need a c-section depending on his position so they were going to prepare the OR just in case and the ultrasound tech would be in my room shortly. I knew I wouldn't need a c-section because Ronen had been head down the entire pregnancy at every scan but I wasn't understanding why everyone was all of a sudden in my room and why they were working on me so quickly as if I were going somewhere. I said to my doctor who was still explaining the vertical type incision, "Do I really have to have him tonight? There's nothing you can give me to stop my labor?", and Kristin probably sensing my confusion said to me, "You're 10 cm dilated. You have to have him tonight." Kristin was such a heaven sent to me. She held my hand during contractions, she whispered encouragement to me, she called my mom for me, charged my phone for me, and told me how strong Ronen and I both were. She was the perfect person for me during that time and I'm forever grateful to her.
One of my nurses taught me how to breathe and we talked about irrelevant things that momentarily distracted me and even made me laugh a bit. My other nurse was the most skilled and gentle person; she was like an angel. In a time of extreme anxiety you don't need anyone roughly digging in your arm or missing with the foley and she wasn't that nurse. They both had such a calming aura to them. The nurses started me on magnesium and a prophylactic antibiotic since I never got far along enough to do my group B strep test. The magnesium made me sweat so my nurse brought over a fan for me.
I don't remember much else about my labor and delivery from that point because I opted for pain meds more out of fear than pain. Looking back I wish I hadn't so that my memories would be clearer. *Another "now you know" for my mental stability*
My mom got there and Kristin went back to the our unit. She told me I sent her a picture of Ronen after he was born but I don't remember. After my mom got there or while Kristin was there I can't remember for sure but I met the neonatologist who would be taking care of Ronen in the NICU. He told us of the complications that were involved with a micro-preemie, little did I know then that they would all occur. Everything he said could happen, happened, but that's for another story.
Ronnie still wasn't at the hospital and he was running out of time to get there. I tried to call him in between the organized chaos erupting around me to give him a quick update and I could hear the swish of the air from him speeding down the highway. It was around 1:30 a.m. by that point and I remember trying to close my eyes and sleep so maybe I could buy myself a few hours but my nurses had to keep coming in to check my reflexes because I was on a magnesium drip. After checking me, she mentioned that I had started to bleed a lot combined with the increasing pressure I was experiencing, so my doctor decided to deliver me. I was so afraid to give birth to him. I knew things would be out of my control as soon as he was born. I wanted a few more weeks to give my baby a better chance. I wanted Ronnie to be with me. I didn't want all those strangers in my delivery room. But I also knew I couldn't keep waiting. I was experiencing tons of pressure with every contraction despite the magnesium drip to slow them down. They mentioned cord prolapse as a possibility and that made me ready to deliver. I wanted him out alive if I had to have him at all so I let my doctor break my water. Things happened so fast but in slow motion at the same time. I remember this part so clearly.
Ronen Lee Tape 1 lb 5 oz |
Ronnie came within the same hour, he had really JUST missed the birth and he cried with me over it. We were both scared but neither of us discussed it which we should've. NICU life is really hard and I don't think either of us were fully prepared for the emotional roller coaster we were about to get on. There's no way anyone can be.
His eyes were still fused shut |
Ronen with his shades on |
That same morning after sleeping for about 4 hours I woke up in shock. The night before felt like a dream and the hospital room was a hard truth. I grabbed my stomach through the gown to be confronted by a pudgy soft excess of skin. I delivered my son at 24 weeks and a day. I grieved for my pregnancy and all the normalcy that usually comes with being a first time mom that I didn't get to experience. I started thinking of Ronen alive and fighting so hard just a floor below me; I wanted to be doing everything all those machines were doing for my son, and being unable to made me feel guilty and helpless so I guess it was there that started my slight obsession with my milk supply. My pump schedule became the only thing I could control in the NICU sometimes and it was one of the only things I felt like I could do for my baby. Ronnie woke up to me crying and he reassured me everything would be okay. He went out to get me breakfast while I showered.
Ronnie came back as I was finishing up pumping, annoyed by the small amount I produced (hilarious looking back now because I ended up pumping 70+ oz/day). Afterwards, we went to visit our son for the first time and there ends my labor and delivery story and starts my NICU journey as a first time mommy.
Pinky promise to love you forever |