The Labor & Delivery Story of my Micro-Preemie

March 14th, 2018
23w6d
The last picture of me pregnant

It was a Thursday, March 15th and I had been crampy and uncomfortable all day although that wasn't uncommon during my pregnancy and my doctors were aware. Thursday was my favorite day of the week because I was one week further along and he gained a 2% higher chance of survival for every week I held him after 24. I had just reached viability and was praying multiple times a day to at least get to 30 weeks because even though that was still a small baby, Ronnie was born at 30 weeks 23 years ago and is completely fine health wise. The survival rate for micro-preemies were a bit more questionable, especially when it came to boys.

Wednesday night, the 14th, I used my progesterone suppository (I know TMI sorry) and I remember thinking I had resistance towards my cervix which I now know was my water bag bulging.

***RANT***
Knowing things after the fact is what fucks me up so badly now. That's when this miserable regret sets in and I spends minutes turned to days stuck in bed sobbing because I've overly frustrated and exhausted myself trying to come up with ways to go back in time to redo every. single. thing. I did. I wish I hadn't taken that trip to Orlando. I wish I hadn't spent that entire day on my feet at clinicals. I wish I had known earlier and could've gotten a cerclage. I wish I could've gotten the steroids sooner. I wish I could've been on hospital bedrest. I wish I wish I wish. Incompetent cervix is exactly what it is - incompetency - and I hated myself for it. Why couldn't my body just hold my baby? Ronen became so medically complex after his birth when he was a healthy baby in my womb. My body did this to him and it makes me so angry. I feel like I failed him so I feel guilty a lot of the time. I know it's not my fault but I still feel that way and it's going to take time.
***RANT OVER***

I was on FaceTime with Ronnie (he worked in Orlando during my pregnancy, was planning to move back a month before I was due in June) and my stomach got really hard and shifted mostly to one side. It was painful. I remember Ronnie saying, "Do you think you should go to the hospital?" but I said no because those happened all the time and my doctor said as long as the aren't 10 minutes apart not to worry. Ronen was very active that night as he usually was and Ronnie and I watched him for a while before hanging up and going to bed. Watching Ronen beneath my skin was our favorite past-time. We were both in awe at the precious life we had made together.
I was at the point in my pregnancy where sleeping was becoming uncomfortable because I was used to sleeping on my back which had started to make me short of breath at that point. Second best was my stomach but that started to make me feel like I was lying face down on a basketball leaving me stuck switching from side to side most of the night. That night I felt more uncomfortable than usual with the occasional irregular contraction. I stayed in bed all day except to use the bathroom because those were the rules of my bed rest. I got up the morning of the 15th (TMI ahead) and had red discharge on my pad but my progesterone suppository was also red (btw, who designed those? They're an idiot!). I also remember sitting on the toilet and feeling the shell of the suppository fall out. The shell often left red discharge hence me using a pad every night. Anyways, that morning was different with the consistency and amount but I really didn't think anything of it. I now know that I must have lost my mucous plug. *sigh* Another after the fact now you know, Shay. The day was pretty uneventful until after my mom left that night.

My last ultrasound picture of Ronen at 23 weeks

My mom got to my apartment at around 4 p.m. on March 15th and stayed maybe until around 6 p.m. cooking dinner for me and doing some light cleaning. My mom is awesome. She hadn't slept in around 30+ hours due to working three jobs at the time and still finding time to come check on me. I had started to feel more and more crampy after she left around 7 p.m. and remember getting up to take a quick shower. I had to literally grab the side of my bed for support because of how much pain hit me. Then I was scared because I knew something was wrong and I had to get to the hospital. I immediately grabbed my keys and headed for the car. I called Ronnie to let him know that I was going to the hospital and probably going to spend the rest of the pregnancy there. I told him I would let him know what's going on and expected to see him the next morning because that's when he was planning to come down anyways. Unfortunately, I had to call him back within the hour and tell him to head down the same night. When I called he was still at work just going back to his work office from a late  patient drop off and the traffic there is awful. By then it was around 8 p.m. and I was trying to get around people on Cape Coral Parkway in what is undoubtedly labor with contractions every 5 minutes from the time I felt the first one near my bed. I remember trying to frantically call my mom but she had fallen into a really deep sleep. By the time I had gotten to the hospital I was bleeding and frantic. I had to fucking register which felt like it took years especially because I was starting to hurt so bad.

The triage nurse was trying to calm me down and tell me I could be bleeding for a multitude of reasons as I tried to throw my medical history at her. After she checked me, her tone changed and after she saw the monitor during my contraction, her entire posture straightened. She told me she would be right back, and went outside my door. I overheard her tell the doctor or NP or whoever came in next that I was bulging and from there I was choking on tears. I still couldn't reach my mom so I called my stepdad who was on his was home and able to wake her up (melatonin really works guys!).

In between the time it took for my mom to get there I was transferred to L&D which at the time confused me because I didn't think I was delivering him that night. I thought I would be on bed rest there and they'd give me drugs to stop my labor. I was so confused. I didn't know it couldn't be stopped. I texted my really good friend and supervisor to come wait with me because she has a calming way about her and she knew everything that was going on with my pregnancy. Thankfully, she was already at the hospital because we work there, the same place I delivered and the same place Ronen became a patient. Kristin (my friend) was the one that broke the news to me about my cervical progression. My doctor told me that I might need a c-section depending on his position so they were going to prepare the OR just in case and the ultrasound tech would be in my room shortly. I knew I wouldn't need a c-section because Ronen had been head down the entire pregnancy at every scan but I wasn't understanding why everyone was all of a sudden in my room and why they were working on me so quickly as if I were going somewhere. I said to my doctor who was still explaining the vertical type incision, "Do I really have to have him tonight? There's nothing you can give me to stop my labor?", and Kristin probably sensing my confusion said to me, "You're 10 cm dilated. You have to have him tonight." Kristin was such a heaven sent to me. She held my hand during contractions, she whispered encouragement to me, she called my mom for me, charged my phone for me, and told me how strong Ronen and I both were. She was the perfect person for me during that time and I'm forever grateful to her.

One of my nurses taught me how to breathe and we talked about irrelevant things that momentarily distracted me and even made me laugh a bit. My other nurse was the most skilled and gentle person; she was like an angel. In a time of extreme anxiety you don't need anyone roughly digging in your arm or missing with the foley and she wasn't that nurse. They both had such a calming aura to them. The nurses started me on magnesium and a prophylactic antibiotic since I never got far along enough to do my group B strep test. The magnesium made me sweat so my nurse brought over a fan for me.

I don't remember much else about my labor and delivery from that point because I opted for pain meds more out of fear than pain. Looking back I wish I hadn't so that my memories would be clearer. *Another "now you know" for my mental stability*

My mom got there and Kristin went back to the our unit. She told me I sent her a picture of Ronen after he was born but I don't remember. After my mom got there or while Kristin was there I can't remember for sure but I met the neonatologist who would be taking care of Ronen in the NICU. He told us of the complications that were involved with a micro-preemie, little did I know then that they would all occur. Everything he said could happen, happened, but that's for another story.

Ronnie still wasn't at the hospital and he was running out of time to get there. I tried to call him in between the organized chaos erupting around me to give him a quick update and I could hear the swish of the air from him speeding down the highway. It was around 1:30 a.m. by that point and I remember trying to close my eyes and sleep so maybe I could buy myself a few hours but my nurses had to keep coming in to check my reflexes because I was on a magnesium drip. After checking me, she mentioned that I had started to bleed a lot combined with the increasing pressure I was experiencing, so my doctor decided to deliver me. I was so afraid to give birth to him. I knew things would be out of my control as soon as he was born. I wanted a few more weeks to give my baby a better chance. I wanted Ronnie to be with me. I didn't want all those strangers in my delivery room. But I also knew I couldn't keep waiting. I was experiencing tons of pressure with every contraction despite the magnesium drip to slow them down. They mentioned cord prolapse as a possibility and that made me ready to deliver. I wanted him out alive if I had to have him at all so I let my doctor break my water. Things happened so fast but in slow motion at the same time. I remember this part so clearly.

Ronen Lee Tape
1 lb 5 oz

The NICU team flooded my room as I pushed about 3 times and Ronen was born at 1:49 a.m. on March 16th, 2018. He kinda plopped on the bed and I pushed myself up with some adrenaline spiked strength to see him. The room was momentarily silent away from slight beeps and the tiniest little cry. I felt a weight lifted when I looked down at him just laying there so extremely small, eyes still fused shut, face bunched up in distress, but crying meaning that in that moment he was alive. In that moment I felt relief from labor and immediate love for my son. He was crying. He was alive. I would have to trust God and the NICU team to keep it that way. I got to see and hear him for a minute before my doctor told me I had to lay down and deliver my placenta. I ignored her and reached for my baby but the NICU team swiftly swooped him away to start working on him. My view was blocked completely but I still stared into that right corner of the room to try to hear anything about what they were doing. I said a quick prayer when the neonatologist said they were able to intubate. I also heard a nurse say, "1 pound 7 ounces." Wow I really gave birth to a 1-pound baby. The team stabilized him then brought his incubator to my bedside and I got to really look at him. He was in a plastic bag designed to keep him warm, and tubes and wires made him look even smaller. He was absolutely perfect and beautiful with ten fingers and ten tiny toes. I wanted to hold him close to me but I couldn't. I choked out a cry and asked to touch him before they took him. His skin felt thin and sticky. I told him I loved him and that I was sorry, then he was gone to NICU and I was in the same exact room I'd been in but it felt different. It looked as empty and disorganized as I felt. I sobbed for I don't know how long and my mom and nurses never ever left me. When I looked to my nurse, I saw that she had been crying too. That was so comforting for me that she acknowledged my pain. I had never known her before that night but she quickly became someone I trusted. Within the hour I had a breast pump on with help from my nurse who taught me how to use it and explained how important it would be for me to pump every couple hours.

Ronnie came within the same hour, he had really JUST missed the birth and he cried with me over it. We were both scared but neither of us discussed it which we should've. NICU life is really hard and I don't think either of  us were fully prepared for the emotional roller coaster we were about to get on. There's no way anyone can be.

His eyes were still fused shut

I had to be in recovery for 4 hours before going to the NICU to visit Ronen for the first time. By that time I hadn't slept in almost 24 hours and I was lightheaded but said I wasn't because I wanted to go see him. After delivery, I assumed I would just go to sleep which I so desperately wanted. I had exhausted myself crying and I needed to eat or at least drink some water. I felt like I had run a marathon and got in a fight I didn't win. I was able to sleep in hour increments but one of my nurses often had to come check my uterus and make sure I wasn't hemorrhaging. After the 4 hour mark they helped me up to the bathroom for the first time. Both of my nurses together were such a great team and I will be forever grateful and honored that they cared for me. After the bloody mess going to the bathroom was I was wheeled to the NICU by both my nurses with Ronnie and my mom by my side.

Ronen with his shades on

When I got to the NICU, I remember seeing two nurses gowned up who explained to me that they were giving Ronen caffeine for his heart rate and that he didn't need any extra support for it at the time. The neonatologist came by and asked me to pump so they could start him on feeds and told me that Ronen was in the 'honeymoon phase' of his journey. One of those same nurses in the room later became Ronen's primary night shift nurse and had been at my delivery but I would've never known if she hadn't told me. I can also remember seeing him in his incubator with the bili lights over him and his eye shields on that pretty much covered his entire little face. The room felt very hot and I started to feel dizzy even sitting down in the wheelchair. I became nauseated and felt claustrophobic being there. I think I may have asked someone to remove me from the room. There's a gap in my memory but I remember being in the hall with a bucket in my lap to vomit in surrounded by my nurses, my boyfriend, my mom, a CNA I had previously worked with and a few other people. They were talking but I don't remember what they were saying I just know it was about me and the meds I had gotten. Next thing I'm being wheeled from NICU and taken to my hospitals high risk maternity unit where I was finally able to sleep. My mom kissed my forehead good night and promised to be back later in the day; she was exhausted too. Before going to sleep Ronnie held me while I cried myself to sleep.

That same morning after sleeping for about 4 hours I woke up in shock. The night before felt like a dream and the hospital room was a hard truth. I grabbed my stomach through the gown to be confronted by a pudgy soft excess of skin. I delivered my son at 24 weeks and a day. I grieved for my pregnancy and all the normalcy that usually comes with being a first time mom that I didn't get to experience. I started thinking of Ronen alive and fighting so hard just a floor below me; I wanted to be doing everything all those machines were doing for my son, and being unable to made me feel guilty and helpless so I guess it was there that started my slight obsession with my milk supply. My pump schedule became the only thing I could control in the NICU sometimes and it was one of the only things I felt like I could do for my baby.  Ronnie woke up to me crying and he reassured me everything would be okay. He went out to get me breakfast while I showered.

Ronnie came back as I was finishing up pumping, annoyed by the small amount I produced (hilarious looking back now because I ended up pumping 70+ oz/day). Afterwards, we went to visit our son for the first time and there ends my labor and delivery story and starts my NICU journey as a first time mommy.

Pinky promise to love you forever

Half Year Birthday in Heaven!

To my beautiful son in Heaven,

March 16, 2018
Day 1/120 of life

Today would've made you 6 months old! The NICU mom in me is chiming in saying,
"2 months adjusted". I wonder about you so often, Ronen. You are on my mind all day everyday to no avail. I wonder who you're up there with and what you're doing. I'm sorry every day that I couldn't have held you in my body under my heart longer, instead now I have to carry you in it and baby boy the weight of you makes my heart so heavy.
I’m more of the suffer in silence type, but my grief is very loud. I can’t block it out, I can’t ignore it and I can’t always bear it.
The memories of you are torturous and inescapable yet I long for them because they've become the only proof that you were really here. You're not a dream, you're my baby, regardless of how long time feels or how my mind has already made details fuzzy. Sometimes I look back and my memories seem so hard to reach, details of our time come up blurry but other times everything is so vivid and I'm right back there with you. I always feel lightheaded from those flashbacks but they're appreciated none the less. They're you in a way, as painful as they are, and I don't want them to go away.

I think of you first thing in the morning when I open my eyes from failed attempts at sleep and see where your bassinet should lay with you in it.
I think of you when I can't eat, anxiety turned tapeworm in my hallow stomach.
I think of you when I can't sleep, flashbacks of our last day feel like hungry sharks and my brain in floating in their open ocean.
I like to think of you best in the shower where no one can hear me cry for you.

I never could have imagined such love before you.
I never could have imagined such agony after you.

120 days seem so minuscule now when you've already been gone for half the time you were here. The 14th made 2 months without you, then the 16th comes like a cruel joke to remind me of how old you won't be.

I'm angry because I feel robbed. I watch all the other woman at work, on social media, out on the street, beautiful and carefree with their precious signs of life lifting their blouse or the little neck rolls I sneak a peek at in the stroller and they have no clue the luxury they're taking for granted. The many hour long strolls through the Target baby isle - shopping for a nursery their full term babies will coo in - remind me of the 10 minute every other day showers I was allowed during my pregnancy. The beautiful soft pinks and blues remind me of the baby shower thrown for me by close family that I sat through with a frog in my throat the entire time, thinking of how empty my womb is in the maternity dress, not for a second forgetting my 2 week old son, septic for his first but not last time in the NICU, sitting on a bloody pad with leaky achy breasts I would never feed my child with.
.

I missed out on watching him grow up. I missed out on hearing his full cry. I missed out on his first tooth, first day of school, his senior prom, his first car, his first girlfriend, birthday parties, everything.

I'm full of regrets and questions lately. I question all my decisions and those last few months replay over and over in my head. I wish I hadn't went to work after Ronen was born. I needed to, I couldn't afford not to but those night I did work, I missed time with him, especially after he was transferred to St. Petersburg and I couldn't be with him as often. I will never not regret that. I should've been more financially prepared for him but nursing school and then bedrest made that impossible for me

Death is so final. I can't go back to him and he can't come back to me. This is where I'm stuck and this is what scares me. I'm so desperate to see him just one last time. I wish so badly that this didn't happen to me. When I remind myself that there is absolutely nothing I can do now I become hysterical. I would do anything to go back to the beginning of this entire journey just to be heartbroken all over again if that meant I could be with you on this earth. Sometimes I think I might be more afraid of my pain than anything. It seems never ending and I don't know how to go on with this type of weight on my soul.

I'm so depressed but I am grateful still. I'm happy Ronen won't need anymore surgeries. His last one was his fifth and that's too much for anyone. I'm happy he's in heaven and all pain has escaped him. No more needle sticks, surgeries, procedures, tubes, noise, cold. No more tears for you. Just tears for me but I can cry for the both of us so you can rest. You were such a fighter, you deserve your peace.

I love you my little bean.
I'll carry you with me in my heart until I can carry you again in heaven.